Fear and Fun

What is the thing I hate most to do in life?  Stand in front of people and talk.  As a matter of fact, I don’t like to enter a room full of people PERIOD—especially if I’m late.  I am extremely uncomfortable with people looking at me.  Oddly, it’s not like that on stage.  My stomach is in knots the entire time I sit in my seat before my name is called but once I get on stage I’m fine.  After I leave the stage, I spend the entire night critiquing everything I did because I want to do my best.  And I can’t always do that.  I can’t always clear my head or get in the game.  I have a family.  They are always in my head.  Some days are better than others.  Some weeks, we’ve gotten through the entire 5 school days without incident and other weeks, we have not.  Always, I wonder what I could have done differently with our son.  He is our most challenging kid at this point because he’s the oldest.  His personality is most developed.  He has opinions and expresses them.  He has impulses and acts on them.  And we have responses that are not always correct.  Or at least they don’t feel correct.  Frankly, at times, we feel like children in the dark trying to find our way from one side of a room set with traps to the other, where the light is.  I am constantly afraid I am doing it wrong.  Walking in the wrong direction.  Failing miserably.  That is what being an older mom can cause.  Introspection, analysis, consternation.  This is where I live.  But when I stand on the stage, doing the thing I fear the most that is also the thing I love the most, I feel courageous, resolute, tenacious.  I feel a sense of freedom.  Those two worlds of fear and endorphins collide and remove me from the everyday realities of motherhood.  Onstage, I say the words I write and act them out for others.  I am not waiting for an agent to return my calls or an executive to like my pilot.  I am not making a choice that may affect someone for the rest of their lives either.  I’m just telling stories.  I’m just having fun.  And I’m just hoping to get better with each performance so that one day I can have fun for a living.  I would like to get to the point where things are so seamless onstage because it doesn’t matter that my husband worked so late I almost missed my gig (albeit non-paying) or that my son barfed on me on the way out of the door.  I want to be able to separate my mommy self from my writer-comedian self.  In years past, nearly anything could have taken me off of my path.  And now that I have significant distractions, the stakes are much higher.  It is even more imperative that I stay the course.  Our children are watching me. They are watching me chose to follow my dreams and they are watching me chose to be home with them.  These are both monumental choices and it is my job to do them both to the best of my ability, regardless of the outcome.  My journey is just as important as my destination.  As I pick up the pen each night and commit to my writing, I will try to remember that.  The same work ethic I applied in the office needs to be applied to my own creative endeavors.  It is in me to be great, I just need to push myself to it.


One thought on “Fear and Fun

  1. Pingback: Fear and Fun « thenewmommy

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